December blues

Last night I helped cook dinner and then decorated the local Ronald McDonald House for the holidays. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, and thought it would be a great way to get into the Christmas spirit. It certainly wasn't what I expected. Only four of us showed up to help (why can't people volunteer their time for others?) and there were at least four Christmas trees to put up. Instead of having a fun evening putting up decorations and hanging out with my fellow decorators, I ended up decorating two trees by myself. And I have to say, decorating alone is not a fun task. I was practically in tears by the time I finished the second tree, and just felt incredibly depressed. Christmas should be such a happy, jolly time, and instead I felt isolated and alone.

Part of it is disappointment in other people. In addition to so few people showing up last night, I ran a fundraiser for the Jaycees this month, and it was upsetting to see how few people stepped up to help. We still raised $400 for the Boys and Girls Homes, but it pains me to think how much more we could have raised if people would have been more helpful (on the selling end) or more receptive (on the buying end). I was very passionate about the project and I felt like I still didn't give enough. It ends officially Monday, so I'll either be more depressed because people didn't come through or probably just exhausted from running the thing.

Lately I've also been feeling kind of homesick. It's not that I don't enjoy living on my own, but I miss coming home and having people there. Living by yourself can be a very lonely thing, especially when you have to eat dinner alone and take care of chores or errands alone. While on one hand it is nice to be autonomous, at the same time you can easily fall into the trap of loneliness and bitterness. Almost every day after work I call my parents and talk to them on my drive home from work. Mama often tells me what she made for dinner, and I always get so jealous. It's been years since I lived at home, but sometimes I miss it just as much as if I had just moved out yesterday. I especially miss home during the holidays; so much so that next weekend I'm heading to the homestead for a few days. I told my mom I want to make Christmas candy and go shopping, just like the old days. I'm really looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is the community Christmas parade, and I'll be helping with the lineup. I hope it's not too cold; if there's one thing I don't like it's chilly weather! Last night I thought I was going to freeze to death. Thankfully, I didn't. I just hope I can make it to spring. My mood-- and my body temperature-- should warm up a bit by then.