A comparison of the relative virtues of moonshine and mountain dew. I should have known that giving my friends free creative reign over the topics of my posts would lead to something like this. Oh well, here goes.

From what I know about illegal liquors, moonshine and mountain dew are basically the same thing. If Colonel Cornbread had capitalized mountain dew (thus making it Mountain Dew), then I would be comparing moonshine to soda, which would be much more fun-- so I think I will do that instead.

I have never tasted moonshine (or 'mountain dew'), so I don't know firsthand how it tastes or the effect it has on one, although I'm guessing it can easily lead to inebriation (drunkenness for you non-English majors). I have experienced the soda that is Mountain Dew, however, so I feel that I can comment on that. I can safely say that I have never gotten drunk off of Mountain Dew, but it has given me a sugar/caffeine rush before. I don't drink it anymore because I don't like the syrupy taste-- I get this gooey feeling in my throat whenever I drink it.

As far as virtues go, do either of them have good qualities? Moonshine is illegal (although I suspect the only reason it is illegal is because the government can't tax it, and since they can't benefit from it they want to stifle it) and Mountain Dew isn't illegal (but you have to pay sales tax when you buy it, which leads me to a question-- would Mountain Dew be illegal if you could manufacture it in the woods behind your farmhouse and sell it?) Moonshine can get you drunk, which impairs your judgment and that's not a good thing, even if you don't have good judgment to begin with. Mountain Dew lacks the alcoholic qualities, but does have sugar, caffeine, and calories which can definitely be bad for your body. Compared to a liquid like water, neither seem like good options.

But if you were looking at moonshine from a non-beverage standpoint, it could be a valuable tool for setting fires. Pour some around what you want to burn, light a match, and poof! there you have a blazing fire. As long as you weren't going to burn down someone's house, car, or cat, I could kind of see that as beneficial. Mountain Dew, on the other hand, isn't flammable (to the best of my knowledge- I've never actually tried to set it on fire).

So basically I don't think that either moonshine, mountain dew, or Mountain Dew have any really virtuous qualities about them. I know that this will no doubt upset Colonel Cornbread, who I suspect has an illegal still hidden somewhere, and therefore I challenge him to critique my evaluation of the subject matter.