What I want for Christmas

When preparing my Christmas wish list for the year, I considered things like a maid to clean my house, a cook to prepare my meals and a chauffeur to drive me to work, but I don’t really want any of these things. This year, what I want more than anything else is a personal assistant. Not for myself—for Sprocket.

Before you write me off as crazy, hear me out. A personal assistant could be a very useful asset for Sprocket, not to mention me. As it currently stands, the cat of my heart spends most of his day alone in our two-bedroom townhome. Left to his own devices, Sprocket sleeps. So all day long he stays curled up on my bed, chasing mice and eating tuna in his dreams. At night, when it’s my turn to dream, he goes into play mode. He jumps on furniture, he jumps on me, he knocks things off my nightstand. A personal assistant could remedy this situation. With someone around during the day, Sprocket would have an opportunity to play like a normal pet. If he wants to take a nap, he can take a short one (it would be the personal assistant’s job to wake him up after a brief respite), but for most of the day the personal assistant will throw balls across the room, dangle yarn in front of Sprocket, and give Sprocket a good rub. Sprocket gets companionship. And with his daytime sleep now nonexistent, he will be so tired he can’t help but sleep through the night.

Besides companionship, the personal assistant will clean out Sprocket’s litter box, feed him and provide him with fresh water. That will save me at least five minutes every day, not to mention the glory of not having to deal with smelly cat litter. If Sprocket wants to spend a little while out on our enclosed patio, the personal assistant can accompany him and ward off neighborhood strays looking to pick fights (Sprocket almost got into a fight once with a neighbor’s cat and it got ugly).

So you see, a personal assistant for Sprocket would be a very good thing indeed. If I also made the personal assistant responsible for keeping Sprocket’s fur off the furniture and the carpet, then it would be the best thing ever.